THE UPSELL

Have you noticed that the local 7-Eleven has introduced a huge grill near the cash register?  They have taquitos, sweaty weiners and all sorts of sausage-like things dripping on the grill.  This is already in addition to selling cigarettes and lottery tickets.  It now takes 10 minutes to get through a lineup at the store.

I'm a simple guy.  I like to get a slurpee once in a while.  Okay, okay—every day.  But my point is, I have my change ready.  I know how much the slurpee is.  The coins are in my hand.  Boom, boom—in and out.  However, recently some head honcho at the 7-Eleven marketing head office has sent out a memo that asks—no, DEMANDS—that all staff try to upsell stuff at the till.  Full disclaimer: I have not actually seen the memo.  I have absolutely zero evidence that the memo exists.  However, I picture the head office guys all sitting around smoking Players Menthol Extra-Filtered 7-Eleven cigarellos and eating 7-Eleven nachos dripping with complimentary 7-Eleven chili and cheese and then, like convenience-store Zeus on Mount Olympus, they hurl a lightning bolt (the memo) from the mountain (the head office) to the normal working-class people below (the clerks).  Shame on you, convenience-store Zeus!  I curse you and your delicious slurpees.

Here's how a typical conversation goes at the 7-Eleven:

Clerk: Hey, what's up, average person buying one item.  Is that it for you?

Me: Hello.  Yes.  Just a slurpee.

Clerk: Hey, did you want anything from the grill?

Me: No.  No thanks.

Clerk:  Spicy Sausage?

Me: No thanks.

Clerk: Taquito?

Me: Nope.  I'm good thanks.

Clerk: TAQUITOOOOOOOO!

Me: Ha ha.  Yes, I heard you.  I'm good.  I don't want anything.  Just the slurpee.

Clerk: Donuts are 2 for a dollar.

Me: No thanks. 

Clerk: Come on.  Two for a buck!

Me: Seriously.  I seriously don't want anything else.  I literally just want the slurpee.

Clerk: Please buy some lottery tickets.  I will give you a bag of free chili sauce.

Me: Please stop.

Clerk: There is a green chili pepper in the bag of chili sauce.  I saw it with my own eyes.

Me: If I buy something, can I still punch you in the teeth?

7-Eleven has also started another disturbing trend—sticking as much garbage as is humanly possible on the checkout counter.  Can I set my slurpee down in order to hand over cash?  Nope—not unless you want to knock over the display of 60 Tic Tac boxes!  What's the matter, you don't like FRESH breath?  And by fresh, we mean cotton candy flavoured pellets.  What's this?  Why yes I would like three slabs of beef jerky that have mysteriously appeared in my version off to the side.  It should be a counter, but now it contains meat.  Great.

There are always three clerks that work at the 7-Eleven at any given time, but for some reason, two of them are always—and I mean always—counting inventory.  They are counting magazine, bags of chips, cigarettes, lottery tickets—while one poor soul works the one cash register as the Soviet Union breadline grows longer and longer into the horizon. 

Here's a thought—there will be less to count if you sold items!  Ring that cash register!  And no, I don't want any nacho cheese-flavoured paste on my rolled up Mexican taquinto. 

But I might have a Tic Tac. 

5 REASONS CANADA IS A GREAT COUNTRY

The other day I'm sitting in my living room, watching educational television ("Money Morons" on TLC counts) and I noticed that my neighbour put up a flag pole.  No, that isn't code for some weird night on the town—they really put up a 30-foot high flag pole in their front yard.  And then the next day I noticed a big ol' Canada flag flying at the top of it. 

It looks weird.  Don't get me wrong—they did a great job—the pole has yet to fall over and crush any small children playing in the cul-de-sac.  But it is just strange as a Canadian to be outwardly proud.  Take the United States, for example: have you ever seen their veterans driving around town?  They usually have a liscence plate (or decal) with a massive American flag, a bald eagle, fireworks, choirs of angels singing and Osama at the end of a pitchfork being roasted.  Meanwhile, in Canada, we have a completely normal license plate for veterans, except we give them the poppy.  Hey, you invaded Juno beach and took shrapnel in the shoulder?  Here's a poppy.

Don't get me wrong—I love the American patriotism.  But I also love Canada and here's my top 5 reasons (in no particular order).

1.  Guns.  I am almost forty years old and I have never been shot.  Not even once!

2.  Medicine.  I sprained my ankle once playing soccer.  I drove to the hospital in the middle of the night and received a scan, some drugs, and a visit from two nurses and doctor.  And the parking cost more than the medical service.

3. Infastructure.  If I ever turn on the faucet and anything other than clear drinking water comes out, I am outraged.  (At least in theory I would—it has never happened).

4. Government.  I have no idea what religion any of my elected officials are.  I also don't know how many kids any of them have.  Or what they are up to at this exact moment.  I don't really care.  All we really get passionate about is how much tax money they are spending and how good (or horrible) a job they are doing.  I love our undramatic and short elections.  I appreciate the fact that I can bitch about the government and no one shows up and takes me away in the middle of the night.

5. Human Rights.  Around eight years ago, Canadian Parliment had one vote and legalized gay marriage nationwide.  And most everyone in the country said "sure, that makes sense that human beings all have the same rights.  Now quiet, there's a hockey game on!" 

KISS BIOGRAPHIES: ROCK N' READ ALL NIGHT!

I'm pretty excited to be going to the KISS concert next month.  As if the Calgary Stampede isn't crazy enough—let's have KISS show up during Stampede on a Saturday night.  It will be a fun mix of drunken metal heads, country bumpkins and baffled, jet-lagged tourists.  Hopefully the smell of deep fried Mars bars will make everyone get along.

KISS nowadays are super old—Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley are both in their late nineties and there are two other dudes (Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer—known as "the other guys") in the band.  So it is safe to say that the glory days are behind them.  But it should still be a great show because it will be very loud, and something is guaranteed to blow up.  I like high art. 

While wandering around the library the other day, my girlfriend casually handed me Peter Criss' new biography called Makeup to Breakup: My Life In and Out of Kiss.  I broke the "no sqealing" rule and I'm pretty sure that the librarian shushed me.  (Kind of rude, since some junior high kids were "studying" in the corner, and I could totally hear one of them talking on their phone.  Be consistent, librarian.) 

Anyway, the biography is great—Peter Criss was the drummer in KISS and was also my personal favourite in the band when I was a kid.  I dressed up as Peter Criss for halloween on more than one occasion—it resulted in lots of candy in my pillowcase, but no women flashed me.  



 So far, three of the four original KISS bandmates have released biographies:

Gene Simmons released Kiss And Make Up (great title—I guess whoever releases the first book gets the perfect title).   It is a really interesting read, and it shows what a terrific businessman Gene is.  He is a big fan of comic books, women and making money.  There aren't many seedy details on the biography, but he does talk a surprising amount about the business side of things (music, entertainment, television, etc).

If you are the type of person who likes to slow down and survey the wreckage after a car crash, check out Ace Frehley's autobiography No Regrets.  Really?  You have literally no regrets?  This is the guy who wrote a song about getting drunk, wrecking his car, disfiguring his face and almost dying.  Hmm.  I regret missing an exit while driving through Los Angeles last year—this guy is getting the jaws of life in 1982 and he's like "no worries, man!"  It's a great read and I learned some great "life tips"—like how many bottles of champagne I would be able to drink in the morning before I would need to get my stomach pumped. 

Peter Criss released Makeup to Breakup: My Life In and Out of Kiss in late 2012.  Like almost every autobiography, it starts with him holding a gun, on the verge of killing himself, blah blah blah.  That is just standard fare for an autobiography.  Of course he doesn't do it, or else the book would be extremely short.  Just a head's up—if you ever see a three-page autobiography in the bookstore, chances are high that the guy pulled the trigger. 

The Criss book is filled with "real life" on the road—four young guys trying to make it in the late 1970s.  While KISS Army fans look at Gene, Paul, Ace and Peter as rock gods, Peter Criss shows that they are flawed, regular dudes who seem to fart and whip their genitals out a lot.  Whether it is backstage, in the hotel room, or even in the van, it's always a good time to whip it out and just see what happens.  There is definitely some mud slinging in this book.  One of the main reasons I keep my junk in my pants is that I am terrified if I show it off, someone is going to write about it forty years later.

Although it is a main ingredient in an autobiography, one complaint I have about the read is that the story is being told by one of the guys in the band.  As good as that is, you may not be getting the whole story.  Gene says that Peter is druggie, and Ace drank alot.  But Peter says Gene is a bloated windbag Ace drank alot.  Ace can't remember because of the drinking.  Who is right?  Who is wrong?  If you are interested in a biography on the band itself, I reccommend Kiss And Sell: The Making of a Supergroup.  The author does a good job of not only talking about the crazy success, but also the 1980s, when KISS was struggling to fill stadiums while wearing feather boas and no makeup. 

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

* * * NO SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW
(because I am not a dick).

So here is the deal with the new Star Trek franchise: when you say you "like Star Trek", or you don't like Star Trek, what exactly are you referring to?  This is the problem that has plagued Star Trek for the past 40 years.  Which "Star Trek" is currently in the movie theatre? 

Look at Star Wars as a comparitive for example.  There's six movies.  That's it.  Now, I know that there are video games and books and action figures and cartoons, but basically, for 90% of us, when we think of Star Wars, we think of the original three movies (the good ones) and then the next three movies (which are the first ones, or the bad ones—this may be confusing, so let's refer to them as the "Jar Jar" ones).  I would pay $20 to kick Jar Jar in the binx. 

This newest Star Trek movie reboot is loosely-based on the 1960s TV show.  When J. J. Abrams rebooted the franchise in 2009, I gave a big ho hum.  It wasn't even a "boo!" - I just didn't care.  The Star Trek Franchise has gone on the following run in the past 40 years:

• Original Series (1960s) - virtually nobody watched it
• Original Series (reruns) - watched it when you were sick and home from school
• Next Generation (1987) - lots of people really enjoyed this show
• Deep Space Nine (1993) - okay, we are starting to get a little tired of this
• Voyager (1995) - good lord, even baseball only has 162 games
• Enterprise (2001) - I am officially terrified of turning on my TV at any time of the day or night for fear of seeing Star Trek.

Plus the movies!  There were six "Original" movies and then four more with the Next Generation cast.  That's a lot of Trek.  More like Star Bleecchh!  (Thanks Mad Magazine.)

However, J. J. Abrams got every thing right with the 2009 reboot.  It is designed for people who would not normally go to a science-fiction movie—the movie has great characters not bogged down with years of backstory, and the action is second to none. 

That brings us to the newest installment: Star Trek Into Darkness.  Quite simply, this is a perfect action movie.  I loved everything about it so I won't just drool like a nerd and leave—instead I will rave about Benedict Cumberbatch, who is a british actor.  He plays the villain in the movie.  If you ever get a chance to watch BBC's Sherlock, you will see how great an actor Cumberbatch is.  (Plus Sherlock stars Tim from The Office, or maybe you know him as the Hobbit.  Anyway, Sherlock is a fantastic show).

As much as the action is the driving force in the movie (big crashes, fist fights, etc) - there are a lot of really intelligent, strong characters in the film and that is the backbone of any great story.  Every really good movie has a powerful villain who doesn't act like a villain (they think they are the hero), and this film has a perfect villain (Cumberbatch).  

If you don't like crowds or people talking on their cell phones, I recommend seeing a film during the workday. There were nine people in the theatre.  One guy sat down within forty feet of my seat and I was outraged. 

I watched the movie in 3D but I'm not sure how much that adds to the experience—in some scenes, the 3D is awesome, but in others, like when people are standing around, it can be kind of distracting.  I keep waiting for someone to throw a machete at me or something.  Anyway, I loved this film. 
At the end of the day, a great movie (to me) is one that you get to the end and you didn't look at your watch, or wonder about work the next day.  I was totally engrossed and loved it.  If you are a science-fiction fan or an action fan, check out the 2009 film (simply called "Star Trek") and then hit the theatre for a big-time action movie.