Monday, December 31, 2012


Okay, so here is some FREE advice regarding your new year's resolutions. Yes I am a giver.

This new year's holiday, let's all take a moment to reflect on how horrible we are as human beings. We've had enough! It's time to make some resolutions. THIS will be the year that we finally get our act together and lose the pounds, stop the smoking, the drinking, the bad habits, and finally do something worthwhile with our lives. Okay, okay... we all know it is a lie, but we still make the resolutions anyway. Why is it so difficult for some people to make new year's resolutions? Actually, making the resolution is easy—it is keeping them that seems to be so difficult. After all, you have one day to make the resolution, and then 364 days or so to continue eating cheezies on the couch while watching Wheel of Fortune. That's a lot of Fortune.

Well, fear not. I have the answer. I have decided that instead of making new year's resolutions that are going to be impossible to carry through on, such as exercise and eating properly, I will just make some new year's resolutions based on things that I don't do anyway. That's the key. You look like a hero even though you aren't actually doing anything differently. No one has to know!

Resolution: No more armed robberies.  You know what? It just isn't fun anymore. The guns, the frightened people... it just isn't worth it. Sure, I was banking $100,000 in a job, but was I really happy?

Resolution: No more dumping toxic waste into the river.  It was kind of cool the first few years I did it, but quite frankly, it is becoming more of a habit than anything I actually "enjoy" doing. It's easier to just bury the huge barrels of radioactive plutonium in the yard. Plus the drive out to the lake is just getting too crowded, what with the children playing and the people fishing for the mutant fish that now swim in the lake.

Resolution: Always wear clothing at the office.  This one will be tough to stick to but I just need to realize that not everyone wants to see me do data entry with no shirt on. I might still keep the housecoat and slippers on casual Fridays, but we'll take that on a week-by-week basis.

Resolution: I will let the police do their job.  Yes, a few weekends a year I like to drive around with a police scanner and show up at the scene of a crime. And then solve the crime. It's just something I've done ever since watching CSI. It's kind of "my thing". I get just as much fun out of finding "the real killer" as I do whipping off my sunglasses and yelling "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" in the Roger Daltrey voice.

Have a great new year and be safe.