Sunday, December 9, 2012

Three Things I Hate About Christmas

If baby Jesus were alive today, he would probably want to punch me in the mouth.  (Which would be hiliarious, by the way - a baby punching ME?)  Why would I make the baby Jesus so upset?  Well, I'm about to vent on why I hate Christmas.

Now, don't get me wrong!  I love the gifts.  They always say it is better to give than receive, and I agree - I love seeing the look of joy on people's faces when they are giving me presents.  It fills me with a warm feeling in my gut.  I don't mind when that happens - it is only in a crowded elevator that this could become a problem. 

So before anyone gets too outraged and decides to send their baby over to my house to punch me, let me just say that I like spending time with friends, I like giving and receiving gifts, and I like eating fruitcake.  Yes, I am the only guy who actually enjoys fruitcake. 

Reason #1: Christmas Music
Remember Paul McCartney?  If you were born in the 1960s, McCartney is pretty much as good as it gets.  The former Beatle came out with "Abbey Road" and it is one of the greatest rock albums of all time.  I maybe listen to it once or twice a year.  Let me repeat - this is one of the greatest albums, and I might listen to it twice.  So why am I listening to "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time" 60 times at the mall? 

John Mellencamp saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.  Mellencamp is creepy enough without singing about spying on his mom.  Even the Boss, Bruce Springsteen, sings that "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town".  Come on man, just play "Born To Run" in the mall and I promise I will think of Santa as I air guitar.

Reason # 2: Charity
Now, hold on.  I'm not suggesting that we don't give to charity.  I am suggesting that you leave me alone at the RONA when I am trying to buy a piece of PVC pipe to stop my sink from leaking dark brown liquid.  Why publicly shame me because I don't want to buy the girl guide cookies or put the loonie in the Salvation Army bin?  I am not a horrible person!  At least that is what I want strangers at the grocery store to think.

Reason #3: TV Specials / Movies
There are only a certain number of Christmas TV shows and movies that are any good.  That certain number would be five: Charlie Brown Christmas, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, It's A Wonderful Life, Scrooged and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.  (I have to put that last one in there or else angry townsfolk will throw empty beer cans at my house).  So why am I being bombarded by commercials advertising Blake Shelton's Christmas?  Or anything to do with Glee?  I don't want to see high school people singing pop songs.  I didn't want to see it in high school, and I don't want to see it now.  The worst part is that you can never criticize the shows because people will cry "what?  you don't like CHRISTMAS?"

I like Christmas just fine - I just prefer the log channel.

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